My Heart Is Hurting: An Update

Before I give an update on my current situation, I would like to take a moment to thank all of you for your overwhelming support. I received many public comments on my blog and countless private emails and direct messages; I actually lost track of them all. Although still hurt, your messages really were a collection of positive moments. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your love and support… I read every one of your messages and took what you all said to heart.

If you have not read last week’s post, please click here to do so. What I am about to say next might not make a lot of sense if you did not read what I wrote last week!

As expected, my heart still hurts. The pain that I know I caused overwhelms me. The amount of guilt I feel for my actions from time to time overpowers me. This has often put me in a state of despondency, agony, and woe.

This past Sunday morning, my best friend and I were able to meet up at a coffee shop and talk. It was honestly one of the hardest conversations I have had in a long time, but it was necessary. I am thankful to this person for showing enough compassion to hear me out. Long story short, we both agreed that we wanted to stay in each other’s lives, however, it will take a long time to mend the damage. The pain that I saw in my friend’s eyes broke my heart, and all I want to do is apologize.

On Tuesday evening, I saw two of my friends at my karate studio. I was feeling really anxious and overwhelmed, so I had to step off the floor for a moment while training. I went into a private hallway and cried. Then, after a couple of minutes, I was able to regain composure with the help of my master instructor and continued to train.

Wednesday night was pretty rough. My mom and I got into an argument about my current friend situation and I felt very uncomfortable. Since then, we have worked out this conflict. At the time, though, I felt the need to once again take a step back as I needed space. I rented a hotel again for Wednesday and Thursday night, with my parents’ consent. I came back to my house Friday afternoon and I’m not going to lie, it did feel nice sleeping in my own bed again.

Yesterday morning was a little bit unsettling for me as well. I noticed that one of my friends at the karate studio was kind of avoiding me, and it hurt my feelings. I understand why this person does not want to talk to me and I do deserve it, but I was still upset about it.

My friends and I are keeping very little contact at this point. They want some space and time and I understand that and wish to respect their boundaries. There are a few things that I feel still needs to be said, but I am trying to wait a little bit longer. As a whole, this week has been rough and the pain is still present, but I am finding ways to begin the long and hard, yet worthwhile process of repairing relationships, regaining trust, and being at peace with myself once again.

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