My Heart Is Hurting

My heart is hurting extra today. I screwed up… big time. In doing so, I unintentionally hurt my friends. I don’t want to go into explicit detail, but let's just say that at the karate studio where I work, I chose to do something really stupid. This turned into something much bigger than I ever thought it would, and I am devastated.

I know that I wronged them and I never had the intention of making them upset. I know that I lost their trust. I know that I made them question me.

I talked with my boss (who is also more importantly my mentor and second mom) early Friday morning. I confessed to her what I did. I admitted to her that I no longer denied that I have a problem, and I told her that I am committed to getting back on the right track. I begged for forgiveness and when she forgave me, I cried.

I have had very little communication with my friends, especially my best friend, for the last 48 hours or so. I am used to texting, talking, and Facetiming many times with them throughout the day. I am at a spot right now where my friends’ silence hurts more than any mean words that they could say. I wish to tell them that I understand what I did was wrong, that I am truly sorry, and that I have a plan to get back on the right track. I have had long talks with my parents and psychologist and I believe we have a good plan in place. I know from these talks that this is something that will not change overnight and that it will be a long process.

Through this situation, I am learning that I need to develop better coping skills. While I am writing this blog, I am in a hotel room near my house. I am staying in a hotel because I need some alone time. I cried myself to sleep last night. My stomach hurts but I don’t feel hungry. No food tastes good to me right now, but I am having to eat and drink just to remain physically healthy. I’ve been unable to really do anything productive except for thinking over this matter. I try to distract myself but it does not work. I need to learn how to not let one thing, even as critical as this is, to overtake me completely.

Saturday morning I went down to breakfast at the hotel and did something that I have never done before; something that I never would have ever seen myself doing. As some of you know, I am Jewish. Right as I was about to sit down at a table alone and eat, I overheard two men talking next to me. During that time, I learned that one of them was a rabbi. I went over to this table and said:

“I know that this is going to sound really weird, but I overheard that you are a rabbi.” The rabbi answered, “yes, as a matter of fact I am.” I told him that I was Jewish and that I needed some help. Long story short, I sat down with the rabbi and talked about the situation that I was in. I asked for advice and for forgiveness… from a complete stranger. We talked for about twenty minutes. Later, I prayed that I would soon have the chance to explain myself to the ones who I have caused harm to and that I would be able to regain their trust. I want to mend the damage I have caused.

I am heartbroken but I am safe. I truly believe that I have hit rock bottom with my problems and that I can only go up from here. I just want the chance to explain myself and to apologize.

I have been writing this blog for 2 years and 7 months now, and I have never done what I am about to do:

I ask from all of you, my viewers, that you keep me in your thoughts during this extremely rough time. I know that in the end I will get through this, but right now the “end” seems so far away. Please think of me and send positive vibes and messages my way.

I will keep you all updated. Thank you all for your continued loyalty, viewership, and especially now, your support.

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